Getting a grip on reality
Russia has announced that in about 20 years it will launch a mission to Mars.
And while they don’t yet know the composition of the crew, Russian space officials have already decided one thing — no women.
The reason: Having women on board, say officials, would increase the “probability of conflict.”
Hello! Earth to Russian space program! Come in, please.
Conflict and the resulting potential for reality-based TV shows are the only thing that could possibly pay for a space program.
Don’t count on tourists.
Based on the $20 million it cost that last guy to go in space for six days, I’d estimate that a tourist — just taking the cheapest standard room — could spend as much as $10 billion for a two-year trip to Mars. More if the price for gas continues to rise.
OK, maybe Bill Gates has promised his wife a Big Trip some day, but for most of us it’s out of our league.
So forget tourism, and don’t expect government to foot the bill either.
On the other hand, the networks are desperate for new reality-based TV shows.
How desperate?
On “The Fear Factor” recently, they bound people up so they couldn’t move and then covered them with hundreds of live rats!
So we could watch!
Yes, folks, the World Wrestling Federation “Smackdown!” has become high-brow entertainment! Who knew?
We are running out of ideas for Earth-based reality TV programs. We need “Survivor in Space.”
And what would “Survivor” be without women like Kelly Wigglesworth and Susan Hawke and Jerri the psycho devil woman?
Or perhaps you think we’re going to Mars in the name of scientific discovery.
Wrong. Here’s a little quiz.
You have 30 seconds to answer the question, “What major scientific breakthrough did we make as a result of our trip to the moon?”
(Go ahead, I’ll just wait here, humming the theme from the Final Answer of “Jeopardy!”)
OK, time’s up.
You can’t think of anything, can you?
Mars is going to be just as bad, if not worse.
First, it takes nine months to get there! Nine months! What are they going to be doing all that time?
Well let me tell you, if they’re not conniving and manipulating and stabbing each other in the back, it’s going to get pretty boring.
And then there’s the Big Moment when they land on Mars: “A small step for a person, a big step for personkind.” Please.
A few years ago there was talk of a statue of Elvis found on Mars.
Now that would be a reason to go.
More recently there was talk of a formation that looked like a man’s face. Now they say it’s a hill.
And of course, a long time ago they talked of canals on Mars, but the latest Hubble photos show no evidence of canals or gondolas or singing Italian guys or anything.
Here’s what they’re going to find: rocks.
They may be more colorful than moon rocks, but basically they’re going to be rocks.
Space officials need to get in touch with reality — by which I mean in touch with reality-based TV show producers.