Just Call Me Mr. Lucky
I am the luckiest guy on earth.
Not just because of my family, my home or my long-lasting deodorant that really work 24/7. (I hope.)
No, I am lucky because every time I go online, I win! It’s incredible.
Just the other day I went online to keep up with some important celebrity news, when — here we go again! — up popped this big flashing message:
“CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 10,000,000th visitor to this Web site. Click here to close this window and contact our prize department.”
(The flashing colors were very dramatic, possibly even dangerous to pets, small children and reality dating-show contestants. To get the same effect with newsprint, hold your newspaper at arm’s length and then rapidly move back and forth so the word “Congratulations” touches your nose. It is, however, best to wait until others have left the room.)
Now, I may never win the Nobel Peace Prize or an Academy Award or the Heisman Trophy — or at least not all three in the same year — but being the 10,000,000th visitor was pretty doggone exciting.
After a brief pause, I clicked to collect my prize and … nothing happened.
I’m afraid that while I sat there momentarily stunned by my good fortune — and that big flashing CONGRATULATIONS! — I may have missed my chance at who knows what fabulous prize.
Normally, this would have been a bitter pill to swallow but — you won’t believe it — soon after I was at another Web site and at the top it said: WINNER!
And underneath: “Important. If the link above is flashing, you have been selected as a winner.”
Was it flashing, you ask?
Bingo, baby!
So I clicked and the prize was, well, a “$1,000 travel shopping spree” that included tickets to Disney World and a requirement that I attend a “90-minute timeshare sales presentation.”
I have to admit, it wasn’t as fabulous as the prize I’m sure I would have received for being the 10,000,000th visitor.
In fact, I am going to say something here that may be seen as un-American and perhaps even a violation of the Patriot Act.
I don’t like Disney World.
If you are an adult — of any age — and you are thinking of going to Disney World without children, you need help.
Those ads showing grandparents by themselves having the time of their lives at Disney World?
Dangerous.
Or the ones where a middle-aged man is waving shyly to a Disney character?
Pathetic.
How are we going to run this country if adults insist on conducting themselves like 4-year-olds?
You want to go on vacation? Act like a grown-up, like they did in the ’50s. Go to a swanky resort, open a tab at the poolside bar and tell the bartender to “Keep ’em coming.”
That’s how we won the Cold War.
Yes, I know, being anti-Disney World may be contrary to Homeland Security guidelines.
If they come looking for me, I’ll be at home, where I plan to work full-time collecting my fabulous online prizes.
Write to Don Flood in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mails to [email protected]
(c) 2003 King Features Synd., Inc.