Placebo Effect
A recent study has questioned one of the most accepted theories in medicine — the placebo effect.
According to the report, the curative powers of placebos — substances containing no medicine — have been greatly exaggerated.
So now what? If you can’t believe in placebos, what can you believe in?
And then there’s the problem of testing the placebo effect.
The first group, of course, would receive actual placebos.
The second, or control group, would be told they were receiving placebos, but in reality they would be treated with fake or placebo placebos.
At the end of the trial, doctors would examine the patients to see which group responded better to the non-treatment.
But don’t worry, if placebos don’t work, you can always take the Purple Pill.
I found out about the Purple Pill the other day when my wife received a glossy advertisement in the mail for something called Prilosec.
The big selling point seemed to be that it was purple, which I suppose is the “in” color for pharmaceuticals this season.
I’m not sure what the Purple Pill does, but I imagine it’s like all those pills on TV that show people laughing, dancing, frolicking in the park.
In one ad, even the dog’s doing Tai Chi, so you know it’s pretty good stuff.
I recommend you take them, the more the better.
I admit I am not a doctor, nor have I played one on TV, but I do have an extensive medical background that includes not only “ER” and “M*A*S*H” but “Marcus Welby, M.D.” — who was an extraordinarily caring man who helped to educate Americans about the health benefits of coffee after his show was canned.
But while it’s fine for women to enjoy their Purple Pills, I’m afraid us guys are being left out.
Men, it’s time to stand up and demand that the pharmaceutical industry understands and meets our needs!
Personally, I’d like to see pills with manly colors like hunter green or earthy brown.
And we’ve got to do something about those shapes. Many pills are round, which let’s face it, seems a little feminine.
We need tough, hard-edged pills — even if they hurt a bit going down.
Pills in the shape of chainsaws or riding mowers would let everybody know that it was time to stand back and let a real man medicate himself.
The last time I recall such a fuss about a pill’s color goes back to an old song by the Rolling Stones — “Mother’s Little Helper,” which was about a “little yellow pill” that helped mother get through her household chores of cooking, cleaning, scoring more pills, etc.
This song could be the basis of the perfect marketing plan. A Little Yellow Pill to keep Baby Boomers rocking along — and who could be a better spokesperson than Stones guitarist Keith Richards?
Richards, as you might imagine if you’ve seen pictures of him, has maintained a touring schedule despite a number of health scares, most notably his death in 1996.
I hereby notify any pharmaceutical company that I would be willing to give up the rights to this brilliant marketing concept for $1 million — or maybe HBO for a year.